I see so many disadvantages in being a parent. My heart aches when I think about the loss of freedom a child would bring. Maybe it\u2019s similar to how some women describe feeling a twitch in their ovaries when they see a cute baby. That longing for something. But mine is a longing for more time without child. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I can also see how a child would bring joy. When I think about my husband Daniel holding our baby, I feel my heart flutter. It\u2019s like this thought gives me a tiny peek into how deep love could be. How much my heart could expand for a child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m a researcher. When I need to answer a question, I research the heck out of it. I translate data into knowledge and knowledge into decisions that are right for me. So naturally, to solve my child problem, I started with desk research. Books, essays, articles, online forums. The first thing I realized is that, apparently, I don\u2019t fit the typical childless woman. Most articles and books seem to indicate that there are two reasons why women feel torn about or delay having children. One is that they are ambitious, selfish bitches who only think about their career (this is my rather crass translation but I see undertones of this everywhere). The other is that they are weak, dependent wallflowers who cannot deal with the world by themselves and are waiting for a man to save them and inseminate them (again, my rendering. There seems to be less judgement on the \u2018I\u2019m waiting for the right man\u2019 reason. And I don\u2019t want to say it\u2019s not legit. It is. I sure as hell don\u2019t want to have a baby without having found the right partner. But it does make women look a bit helpless, doesn\u2019t it?).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For me, the only reason I haven\u2019t had a child by now is that I simply didn\u2019t want one. It\u2019s not about career. It\u2019s not about the right guy. I have both, I am happy with both. Have been for a while. I just haven\u2019t desired a child. That\u2019s it. I was unavailable. I was occupied. Reserved for other events. Call again in a year or two. Maybe make it three.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I pushed the decision further into the future for years. I always felt that I had time, didn\u2019t need to decide now. Which of course was true. I knew the day would come when biology would knock on my door and tell me time is running out. I need to decide soon or it would decide for me. In my twenties, I always thought that time would be my early thirties. Once I reached that, I put it off until next year. Always next year. 2022 is that next year \u2013 it\u2019s decision time. I\u2019ve decided to decide.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whether I want kids is a secret I keep from myself\u2014it is the greatest secret I keep from myself.<\/p>Sheila Heti, Motherhood<\/em><\/cite><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
Whether I want kids is a secret I keep from myself<\/em> \u2013 I absolutely identify with this. A question too big to answer. The wish to delay the decision. Avoiding thinking about it. Saying \u2018no for now\u2019. Adding \u2018I might change my mind in the future\u2019. Asking \u2018that\u2019s allowed, right?\u2019. What\u2019s interesting is that I now decided to decide. And I wonder how that happened. What has changed? How did I create the space to walk up to the question and say hi?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Somehow I feel available now. I think it\u2019s due to three factors:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve started seeing a therapist this year<\/strong>. I needed help dealing with an acute situation my sister created, but it\u2019s turned into so much more than that. I\u2019ve explored family dynamics, the role my parents played, the role I played. It became clear why I was reluctant to have a child, scared to replicate what I had learned from my parents. I also worked out that replication is not my destiny. I have the skills and motivation to do things differently. That knowledge is a huge deal. It\u2019s freed me from fear and led me to belief that I am in charge of how I would be as a mother, that Daniel and I are in charge of how we would be as parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The pandemic forced me to spend more time with myself<\/strong>. I\u2019m sure I\u2019m not the only one \u2013 lockdowns, less travel, fewer appointments and social meetings all caused me to get to know myself much better. What do I want? How do I recharge and what do I need to feel relaxed, happy, healthy? I turned towards books and other creative pursuits, like making sourdough bread, learning to play the piano, joining a pottery studio. I also identified the people I want in my life and gently disengaged from the ones I didn\u2019t. I put a bigger focus on me, on saying no to things I don\u2019t want and more deeply committing to the ones I do. All this brought along greater self-acceptance. I\u2019m don\u2019t pretend I am someone I am not anymore (at least most of the time). I can make decisions from a place of greater self-knowledge and therefore trust myself more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Daniel and I left Europe behind at the beginning of this year<\/strong> and it\u2019s been the best thing for my happiness. Living in Germany depressed me. It was a thin blanket of sadness that lightly pressed down on me. In hindsight, I see how Germany slowly seeped into me, changed me to being more pessimistic, careful, subdued. It re-taught me lessons that I had shaken off during the years I lived in Australia. Lessons like nothing comes easy, expect the worst, don\u2019t talk or laugh loudly in public, care about what others think of you. Ugh. Moving to Estonia was even worse. Dark and cold, Tallinn felt oppressive and lonely. I was an outsider, didn\u2019t fit in but also didn\u2019t want to fit in. And then we moved to San Francisco. My heart expanded again. It felt like I was coming out of my protective shell, carefully stretching my wings and figuring out whether they still work. And they do. Being here is everything. California is sunny, progressive, international. It\u2019s full of opportunity, friendly people, beautiful nature. It allows life. It provides the backdrop to me making a decision about having a child. For the first time in years I feel happy with my chosen home and that\u2019s a huge factor in allowing myself to think about saying yes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
At the beginning of the year, I felt ready to finally engage with the question, to give it the time and thought it deserves. 2022 is decision year. By the end of the year, I\u2019ll have arrived at a conclusion. I\u2019ll give myself this whole year to figure out what I want. No rush. I\u2019ve taken this long to get here, might as well do this right and allow for plenty of time to think, research, feel. I am available.<\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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